How to Germany - Chapter One

Here are excerpts from my new book, How to Germany (coming never to a store near you).

How to use transformers:

Step 1: Plug the transformer into the wall. Plug your American (Chinese) product into the transformer, try to turn product on. Listen for the loud pop of the transformer's fuse blowing. Say a few choice words. Get the next higher level transformer out, plug that into the wall. Plug your item of choice into this transformer, and swear when you hear the loud pop. Drag your product over to the largest transformer, unplug your tv and dvd player from it, plug in your product. Turn it on, use it, then unplug it and put it away, never to be seen again.

Step 2: Go to BX to get new fuses for the other transformers, note that they have not had any of those fuses since 1959 and they don't know if they will ever order any again "whadda ya gonna do about it?".

Step 3: Go to Pratiker (German Lowes) and spend 30 minutes "reading" the labels before figureing out the 2 fuses you want are the empty spaces on the shelf. Guten Tag to you too, yeah yeah.

Step 4: Go to Toom (German Home Depot) and find the same 2 empty spaces on the wall. Ask in your broken pre-K german/english for them at the Information desk. Completely understand the sarcasm (in his almost perfect english he uses, after telling you that he speaks "a little" english) when the guy tells you that those are always out of stock 10 minutes after they get some in. Yeah, Guten freakin' tag to you too.

Step 5: Go home. Roll up the cords on the, now useless, 2 transformers and put them away. Wait 2 months, and then repeat steps 2-4 because you REALLY need to use your American (Chinese) product.

Step 6: Go to KiK, Penny Markt, SMC, Edeka or a flea market and buy a European (European) product to replace your American (Chinese) product.

You have now completed the steps of using a transfomer. Next time remember to save yourself the hassle and leave ANYTHING with a plug in the States, and just by new/used ones when you get here.